I didn’t wait until marriage to have sex, and I wish I had

“I had nothing left to give.. he had everything I’d ever wanted to give to someone. And suddenly it wasn’t enough. What I’d already offered was inadequate, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt so empty..”

When I first read “I waited until my wedding night to lose my virginity and wish I hadn’t..”  , I cringed at almost every word, just breathing in her pain and reflecting on my own as I often times regret not waiting. All I could think about were all of the girls that may not wait because of her words in hopes to avoid what she went through. My heart was also heavy because she was hurt.. that she cried on her honeymoon, that she felt dirty and. Even with her husband, sex felt sinful and wrong..  and that breaks my heart. I was, and still am, so sorry that you, Samantha, endured those emotions and felt that pain. What truly broke my heart was when you said this one simple statement..

“If I could go back, I would not wait.”

So Samantha, this is my response to your thoughts. Before you read this, know that this is my own personal story on my own personal experience. This is not a reflection of anyone’s character. By sharing this, I pray that you, whoever and wherever you are, will judge my decisions and no one else’s.

“I gave everything I had to someone I loved, and then a year later, watched him walk out of my life. No one prepared me for that.”

I’ve never taken a purity pledge. I was not raised in the church. I was not encouraged to wait. Here is my story.

When I was 20 years old, my boyfriend and I had been together for a year and a half before the relationship eventually came to an end. We called it quits because.. we were just going in different directions. He moved, I stayed. He walked away, and I was confused. I’d given him everything, including my virginity, and he graciously accepted. It wasn’t a sudden break up, I mean I totally knew it was coming.. I just wish I’d known sooner.. before I’d decided to hand over my virginity to what I thought was a long term kind of relationship. When I imagined my future, it revolved around where we wanted to be. When I planned my life.. he was in it. And so it was only logical that he would do the same. Until it was apparent that he wasn’t doing the same. That’s when I realized his dreams came first and I, the girl who invested everything into this relationship, came second.

I was crushed. Wanna know the worst part? It was my own fault. I never imagined losing my virginity would take such a huge toll.

Once I’d realized that there was no convincing him to stick around, my heart began to grow bitter as time passed. I was so hurt. I never expected this to happen to me. I tried to figure out what I could do, or say, and even give.. but I had nothing left to give.. he had everything I’d ever wanted to give to someone. And suddenly it wasn’t enough. What I’d already offered was inadequate, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt so empty..

I gave everything I had to someone I loved, and then a year later, watched him walk out of my life. No one prepared me for that. My heart was broken and my little world that I’d created in my mind had completely shattered.  For days, I would dwell on how wrong I was.. how stupid it was of me to expect something like my own virginity to hold a relationship together. In the heart of 19 year old Catie, I thought if I just gave up that ONE thing, I could make any guy stay. But that wasn’t the case, and it never will be.. for anyone.

But if I’m being honest, there are more guys from my past that I’ve given myself to. Not my virginity in particular, but pieces of my own heart that I’ll never see again. There’s a complete loss of innocence that’s taken place, and these random men in my life will always have a part in it. Each of them will forever hold a piece of my past.. and what’s done is done. Thinking back to all of the times I could’ve said no, I could’ve left or just completely backed out of the situation.. makes me realize just how tender purity really is. Innocence is such a delicate part of life, and within seconds it can be completely violated.

I always think about why I cherish the concept of innocence.. not simply because I don’t have that gift to give anymore, but more so because of how God has transformed me since giving it away. He’s assured me that because of Jesus, I am pure and worthy. He is so good to love a girl like me, the girl that said His love wasn’t good enough, and so chased after other men to give it to me. And then when I fell flat on my face, He picked me up and called me a daughter. 

I get to wear a white dress on my wedding day, not because of anything I’ve done, but because of everything Jesus has done. And that is one of the most joyful and beautiful gifts I will be able to experience with my husband, a redeeming love that was given to me by Christ.

The amazing part in all of this? My past no longer burdens me. God has picked up every piece of my broken heart, and He’s made me new. My purity no longer stands on anything I’ve done or even could do, it’s completely and soley dependent on God’s great grace and the sacrificial, unending love of Jesus. I believe with everything in me that God chooses those He loves to endure pain, so that He can teach others through them.

I lost my innocence to a harsh and cruel world, but then God saved me and called me His.

And so to you my sweet friend, if you’re reading this because you too lost the game in front of you.. I need you to know these things. You are not tarnished or used up. You are not less than or broken. You are not dirty.

“Do not call anything impure that God has made clean.” Acts 10:15

You are forgiven. You are made new. You are loved.

I pray that you just lay it all down, completely surrender your life. Brokenness and all. Bring the filth, the trash, and the bitterness and lay it at the foot of the cross. Let go of the fight, let go of the chains that have been holding you back. He can restore your innocence, rebuild your broken heart.

If you’re reading this and you’re on the edge of waiting, and honestly, you may not wait. I pray that you don’t run like I did. I pray that when you feel God pulling you in, that you let Him. Don’t do what I did. I chose to follow my own selfishness, and I ended up blindly dancing down a road of deep despair and regret. Don’t pull away from the truth I refused to listen to, from a God that so deeply cherishes everything about you. Dance with Him, not away from Him.

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If I could go back, I would wait.

Catie

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