There are fights that Ryan and I have that will last for hours. Sometimes, we’re in the same argument all day. They go like this.
My feelings are hurt about something, I try to tell him how I feel, sometimes there’s back lash and sometimes there isn’t. He doesn’t say the magical thing I need him to say that will make all of my hurt feelings go away. SO I just continue to express myself, but in a different way. Maybe then he’ll get it. I’m waiting for him to just say what I want him to say and he NEVER does. SO I keep talking.. I keep explaining, I keep waiting, I keep re-phrasing the same exact thing over and over again because in my head, he obviously still doesn’t get it. He still hasn’t said the thing I need him to say. Sometimes I even tell him what I want him to say, and then he does, and… I still don’t feel better.
Even after he’s apologized, there’s this emptiness that drives me to talk more because I need him to fill that hole in the air with his words.
Sometimes I don’t even know what it is I want from him, but I wait for these magical words to come out that will suddenly sweep me off my feet. And then again, I come up short with the need to “keep talking it out.” This is really just a phrase that means “you haven’t said what I want to hear yet so I’ll repeat my last sentence in different ways until you do.”
To me, I’m helping him out. I’m giving him extra chances. But the thing is, HE NEVER SAYS WHAT I WANT HIM TO SAY. Even hours later.
The more I feel the need to repeat myself, the more I feel misunderstood, unvalidated, and unloved. I even start thinking about how other husbands must love their wives way more than Ryan loves me. It gets really ridiculous. And I’m not sure if I’m the only one that does this, but I begin to think “What if he regrets marrying me…” and then THE FLOOD GATES OPEN AND I. AM. A. MESS. He’s then completely confused and frustrated because now I’m crying. The things that man has to deal with..
Sometimes, our fights happen because of my perception of how my husband views me. Daily, I have to fight back the lie that Ryan wishes I was different, that I was more like him. Like if I was a list of pro’s and con’s, the con’s would trump the pro’s. So then, anything he says or doesn’t say are like insults flying my way or implications that he’s disappointed in who he married. I’ve discovered something recently that blew my mind and has given me so much freedom in our relationship.
The root of most of our fights? My own insecurity. #andimalsocrazy
On our honeymoon, we got to celebrate New Years Eve together on our cruise. Romantic, right? Well, we celebrated in our room fighting because of the DUMBEST thing that then led to even more baggage and insecurities that hadn’t been brought to the table yet. We sat there forever just hashing it out, sitting in silence, and crying.
On a boat.
On our honeymoon.
You guys, we basically fought ourselves into 2016.
By the end, we were so emotionally exhausted. I gave up the fight and laid my head on his chest because I was so tired of feeling alone, so tired of feeling like a failure. “I feel like I already suck at this whole marriage thing.” He takes a deep breath and says, “Yea.. me too.” And the reality is, we do, but that’s okay. Because Jesus doesn’t give up on bringing his beloved to completion and reconciliation.
And I know, we haven’t even been married for two months.. so we’re obviously still in the “honeymoon” phase.. but y’all, it really is hard sometimes. When sweet friends ask me how married life is, sometimes I’m overwhelmed because I’m like.. IT’S ALOT OF THINGS.. it’s so fun, so sweet, and yet such a struggle at the same time. We’re in the beginning of the rest of our lives together and there are times where I feel like I’ve failed him as a wife already. There are days where I feel defeated, like I’m carrying this shame around because I’m not as awesome as other wives. And heaven forbid I get on Instagram while I’m upset because I may see a super happy couple of a girl who loves her husband better than I love mine and cry even more. Does anyone else relate or am I just alone in this…
Remember the post where we’re holding hands, and I’m talking about how I love the way he leads me towards Jesus and how he’s such a gift and we look super romantic? The second after I posted this, we got into a fight. The same fight we were in the week before about the same exact thing. I wanted to be like, “I just posted something so sweet about us! Don’t make me take it down!” #realmature
See, we’re so not perfect. Please don’t look at my Social Media and EVER think we’re sunshine and glitter and rainbows all the time. Because I do that with other girls and it sucks the life out of me. We fight, we disagree, and OH MY GOSH we are the worst at communication. Sometimes we hurt each others feelings and because we’re so different, coming to an understanding is like trying to give your cat a bath. #painful We love each other so much, and I never want to be with anyone else, but for real, it’s hard showing that sometimes. Marriage is even harder when you’re searching for your worth and validation in your husband like I was doing. Single ladies who still have a chance, don’t do what I did and wait for him to say the right thing, because he won’t. Let God be your rescue in moments like that because if you don’t, I’ve discovered that it only drives your husband insane when you’re expecting him to.
Jesus always says the right thing, Jesus will always validate you, and Jesus will always come to the rescue. He’ll bring you SO much peace you’ll even wanna share it with you husband.
I wonder what I’ll learn after month number two. Probably that I still suck at marriage, but hey, Jesus loves me anyways. He’s holding our hands through the bumpy and messy of marriage, and he won’t let go.